Girls’ Got Game
June 15th, 2008 by Sonja

Happy Father’s Day.

It’s one that will surely survive in our collective memory as a family.

It began early; as in 5:30 a.m. One last early rink time for the season. We all went. LightBoy’s game was on one sheet at 7:20; LightGirl’s on the other at 7:30. I ran through the golden arches for a delicious, nutritious breakfast. Yum. LightBoy lost. LightGirl tied. But none of that is memorable.

LightGirl has had a crush on a teammate for a while now. About a week ago she got some intel which suggested that he was more LightBoy’s age. This was completely embarassing. Humiliating. Horrifying. In her words, she felt like a pedophile. Ewweth. This morning before the game I discovered she had bad intel. Her crush was her age. I passed this information along after the game.

So what do you think she did? Well, what would you do? Given that you definitely wouldn’t be seeing the guy again til September and maybe not very much even then.

Has she ever been on a date? No.

Has she ever had a boyfriend? No.

Has she ever been in any kind of relationship of any sort other than friends with a boy? No.

Has she ever spoken more than say fifteen words in a row to this kid? Uhhh … no.

So, of course, it goes without saying … ask him out. Ask him, where? Just … you know … out. On a date. Sometimes the mom is stoo-pid.

It’s helpful too, to have a friend by your side who will act as your voice when you and the guy stand there staring at each other. So, her friend did the actual, you know, asking. She said, “So … LightGirl wants to know if you’d go to the movies or something?” He said, “Sure.” and they both stood there and looked at each other … stunned. So GirlFriend spoke up again and said, “Now it would be good if you exchanged phone numbers.” So they did that too.

Then she came flying around the corner to tell me all about it. Grinning from ear to ear.

She spent the next half an hour texting him. Now she is firmly, giddily ensconced on the phone and computer with her peeps giggling and reliving the event. Imagining what will come next. And ad finitum. It is quintessential adolescence.

And just like that LightHusband and I have crossed a rubicon. It came upon us and we were across it before we even realized that it was there. I never even heard the echo of my feet on wood as the footsteps bounced back from water.

We are lucky, I suppose. She’s very confident. The young man in question is kind, upright, and a decent hockey player. We now have decisions of heavy consequence to make. Where should they go? What should they do? Now that the question has been asked and answered, will the “date” actually even take place?

On another hand, our fortunes run much deeper than that. Our definition of what is quintessentially adolescent is light and air. It involves words like, “giddy” and “peeps.” She will (Lord willin’ an’ the creek don’t rise) complete her secondary education and go on to get a college level education of some sort. There are many, many parents in the 2/3’s world who never even begin to think these words, never mind associate them with children in their family. Yet most families in our world … our 1/3 world, that is the industrialized, civilized, mechanized, and importantly educated, world do have the opportunity to associate words like, “giddy” and “adolescence” and “grin” and “date” and “secondary education” and “college education” with our daughters. Not only do we have that opportunity, we make the assumption that it is the right and natural course of things.

Maslow's Hierarchy of NeedsAccording to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs being secure in our bodily needs allows us to become more secure with our friendships, family and relational intimacy. This in turn builds self-esteem, confidence, etc. It makes sense in a way. One cannot build relational intimacy, when one is deeply hungry for days and months on end. Or living in a place where the water is not reliable. It is simply not feasible. So most Westerner’s (we of the 1/3’s world) would tend to think of education as necessary yet expendable. After all, an education will not build security. It will not fill stomachs or healthily hydrate starving bodies. It will not keep peace among warring neighbors.

Or … will it?

What we are coming to find now is that the key to world peace might just be …

… our daughters. Our collective daughters. The brown ones, and tan ones and yellow ones and pink ones. It’s not that they need to rule the world. Far from it. They just need an education. It is having an education that gives them self-esteem and self-esteem begets relational intimacy which then allows for safety and security and then they can help their families fill their stomachs and hydrate their bodies. It seems that Maslow works for us, but it may just be upside down in other parts of the world.

Give these girls some time … time to be giddy and grow up. Time to learn. Time to be girls, then time to be women. Time to read. Time to calculate. Time to have a date or maybe two. Time to giggle. Time to achieve. Time to gain confidence in their righteous state as children of the Creator. Time to earn respect. Time to bestow respect. They need our time, so that they may have a little more time. And in so doing it is our collective daughters who may just change the world … one village at a time.


5 Responses  
  • Nora writes:
    June 15th, 20089:22 pmat

    you know, I grew up in a family that had to take the pleasure out of every single frickin good thing that happened by pointing out how people in their third world didn’t get any of it. Let her enjoy her date without the guilt. I did not feel more compassion because of the constant commands to “eat my spinach because there’s children in the old country that don’t have any” I just remember telling the adults to stick it in a box and send it to them then. Maybe if it wasn’t constantly brought up, to bring a cloud of guilt over every otherwise enjoyable occasion, I might have grown up wanting to help these people. Instead, I just wanted to get away from the guilt. Of course it followed me everywhere. I couldn’t breathe without feeling guilt. After I had let a bunch of ne’er do wells rip me off for years to “atone” for my”sin” of having been brought up relatively well off, I finally moved past this. Only now, at the age of fifty five, am I even partially open to sharing with others. Let your girl have her fun. Don’t make her feel bad.

           
  • Sonja writes:
    June 15th, 200810:10 pmat

    You know … I just don’t even know how to respond to that. A complete stranger giving me unsolicited parenting advice … a first even for me.

    First of all, I don’t know what your name is. You’ve posted here under two names, under two (different) names at the Emerging Women blog and under a fifth name at Onehandclapping.

    If you want to use a pseudonym that’s fine. I used one for more than a year. But using different names and language that seems designed to push people’s buttons or get a reaction (yank chains) makes you look like a troll. I’m sure that’s not what you’re trying to do, but it’s the impression that I’m getting.

    I’m sure that growing up in your family was not pleasant. But that is not the experience that my daughter is having. I believe you’re reading your own experience into my blog post. I’m afraid that is your issue. I’m not sure how I can help you with it. I also might add that I don’t have any guilt for having when others do not. I feel blessed by a Father/Creator that loves me. I also know that She loves Her other children. I feel a call to share that bounty out of love … if you don’t feel that call, it’s okay. It’s all good. The eye is not called to be an ear. So give those ugly feelings away to those they belong to. But please don’t drop them here. Thank you.

           
  • Adam G. writes:
    June 16th, 200810:49 pmat

    I am happy for your daughter, and dread the day this will come for my daughter.

    Ummm…not to be too critical, but the video seemed a little naive.

           
  • Lolli writes:
    June 17th, 200811:14 amat

    As LightGirl’s former coach, I can assure trolling strangers that joyful experience is a hallmark of Sonja’s family. I enjoyed reading this as my teen recently been pulled into the vortex of the High School/driving boys from the older team she played with. I’m so glad we have this hockey community where families know each other and kids are not unknown entities. While my comfort level is challenged by the prospect of teenage boys with driving privileges, it’s made a little more bearable by the fact that these kids know me and I get the opportunity to let them know what is expected.

           
  • Mike writes:
    June 17th, 20085:34 pmat

    Sonja, I loved this post and I had a big grin on my face as I envisioned the two of them standing there gawking at each other while someone translated for them. It reminded me a lot of my first real girlfriend and I in the 5th grade.

           


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