Sunday was a huge let down. And we needed it. LightBoy’s party is over, capped off by a win in their roller hockey championship game. The Red Devils are now the Spring 2007 Champions. On the other hand, LightGirl’s team didn’t win one game this season. It was somewhat humiliating for them, but they learned so much technique, it was worth it. They all know it and feel good about it.

With little sleep, much energy put into planning and preparation for the previous couple of days, and little sleep the previous night, we all needed a low afternoon. We had one and it was made more relaxing by the rain we finally had after the drought that has been dogging the area. So, after a nice nap and some coffee I turned on the television to find something light and relatively disengaging to watch as I worked on a quilt. Gunsmoke fit the bill. So, with the LightChildren happily ensconced in front of their own television sets, I turned on Gunsmoke, a happy memory from my childhood. My sewing area is in our family room, so I can sew and watch at the same time. Or, really, sew and listen with an occasional glance at the screen for orientation.

It was a two-parter yesterday afternoon. Island In the Desert. The guest star was Strother Martin playing “Ben Snow” a half-crazed hermit in the middle of the desert who saved Festus from certain death. Here is the plot summary for parts 1 and 2 from IMDb:

Part 1 – Matt and Festus bring a particularly notorious killer into a town on the edge of a desert, where the sheriff cheerfully informs the killer that “tomorrow we start working on the gallows.” The sheriff spoke too soon: the killer gets the drop on him, murders him and flees into the desert. Festus, who stayed behind to borrow a new mule, goes in pursuit but is bushwhacked in his own right. Festus, however, is rescued by Ben Snow, a hermit who was a gold miner many years earlier — only to be shot in the leg and left for dead by his partner. Snow is half-crazed (“I’d even make friends with a snake!”) — but he actually found his gold mine, a spring which provides him with water and shelter and food from desert animals. He’s panned the spring incessantly and racked up a huge cache of gold dust. Snow might be able to get out of the desert (he’s tried before and left water caches as far as he could walk), but he’s so bent out of shape that he refuses to go without the gold — many dozen pounds of it. So he steals Festus’s weapons and handcuffs, turns them against them and makes Festus into his “pack mule.” When Festus asks why, Snow explains that he will buy up the town where his ex-partner fled and make life a living hell for the man. He also warns Festus that if he collapses, “I’ll shoot you like a mule gone lame!” With all the cards stacked against him, Festus sets out carrying the huge sacks of gold, while Snow follows in his tracks under the blazing sun. Written by Peter Harris

Part 2 – Festus is forced to pack gold dust across the desert, hoping to get to a town on the other end before his and Ben Snow’s water supply runs out. Matt and Newly, having been alerted by telegram, try to catch up to them. When Festus spots the tracks of the killer who also wounded him, he simply turns around and goes after the killer. Snow has a Hobson’s choice of shooting Festus and trying to make it out alone (which he knows he can’t do) or go along and pick up the convict. They find him, strap half the gold to his back, and force him to come along to face a noose at the end of the journey. A series of double-crosses follow, leaving Festus and Snow in the direst of straits. Written by Peter Harris

It is at this point, that the story gets interesting. The convict double crosses both Festus and Ben, discovers the gold, breaks all the water carriers and almost sets out for Ten Springs on his own. But not before he lays eyes on the last pack. In that pack is Ben’s pet rattler who strikes the convict’s neck and kills him. He dies with Ben’s voice screeching, “Greed’s what got you bit, boy. Pure greed!” in his ears. Festus and Ben must now make it to Ten Springs with no water. And somehow, because this is Hollywood and Festus is one of the stars of the show, they do get there. Along the way the relationship between Ben and Festus changes from confrontational to friendship.

On the hill overlooking the town Ben looked down and saw it in all it’s glory. People moving about, the saloon was in full swing. Lights were in all the buildings. It was a thriving town with much going on. Festus looked down and saw … tumbleweeds; heard wind whistling through the broken glass of a town long since abandoned. Ben grinned wide and strode down the hill into the town certain that he was to receive a rich man’s welcome. Festus followed, uncertain about his role in breaking his friend’s dream. They wandered through the town, Festus literally dying for a drink and Ben literally dying to enact his revenge until they came to the town graveyard. There they found the grave of the ex-partner (Sam Bristow) and the death date on it read 1859. Ben turned to Festus and asked what year it was now. And Festus replied that it was now 1875, “… and you’ve been carryin’ a grudge against a man who’s been dead all these years.” He walked away shaking his head. This information literally broke Sam’s heart. He cracked and shattered there at that graveside. He broke sack after sack of gold over the headstone, sobbing out his anger and grief. The gold was no longer of any use to him, it’s only value to him was to enact his carefully plotted revenge. Later, after Matt and Newly had rescued Festus, the three of them found him there, surrounded by gold dust. Dead. In losing his goal he had lost his will to live.

I was thinking about that later that evening when I read John Smulo’s most recent post about Churchless Faith. The post hit a nerve with me. Since early March this year, I count myself among the churchless faithful. I tried to comment on John’s post, but it didn’t go well. So I deleted the comment. I tried again in the morning and deleted it again. Then we were out and about and I found myself thinking more deeply about Ben Snow and his journey in terms of community. I began to put some pieces together and started to see some shadows emerging. These thoughts were too long to be a comment on his blog, so I did this post.

I found myself being a little too empathetic with Ben Snow this time I watched this episode. I’ve seen it before and understood that he had been driven sort of insane by his solitude. This time however, I began to empathize with his hurt and disbelief that a friend and partner could cause such pain and leave him bloody and alone in a desert. He did not know which way to turn or how to get out of the desert. Alone he was fed and watered in his oasis. That is how some of us are left after our dealings with “church.” Alone, we are fed and watered in our oasis with God, but we have no idea how to get out of the desert. On the other hand, remaining alone for too long creates a danger that we will begin to go slightly insane. Without the assistance and comfort of a community, how can we know where our food and water is coming from? How can we be assured that we are not in danger of focussing too much on revenge, or even that we need to focus on forgiveness when the time is right? Had Ben Snow been in a community he might have been able to move away from the pain and turn his mind away from his injuries. He had nothing else to do by himself but focus on how he’d been hurt. Alone that is what many of us do. In community with others, we have other things to focus on while our minds begin to heal. This is not to say we bury it or stuff the pain, but it is to say that we stop picking at the wound and allow it time to scab over and grow new skin. That we do not allow the eagles to come fresh each day and eat at our livers again.

So for me, I do not know what this new thought will bring with it. I know that I will need to be moving in the direction of community again. I also know that the time is not yet ripe. I also know that although I empathized with Ben Snow, I know to be wary of him too and that is a good thing. I have no desire to be lost and alone in the desert. Once this passes (and it will), my desire will be for community and I will get there soon.