Well … this feels like gossip. But maybe not, because I’m documenting my chain. You can read the links, so I guess that’s not really gossip because you can go and read it for yourself … it just has that feel because I haven’t read the original for myself. Not the book. Not even the original review. Bad me.

Emerging Grace quoted Ben Witherington who quoted from Rob Bell in his book. So … yeah. That feels like gossip, but I’ve put in the links and you can go read for yourself to get the proper context.

Here is Ben’s quote (he is reviewing Rob’s new book Sex God) from the book, chapter 5:

Here is an excellent para.— “Love is giving up control. It’s surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two—love and controlling power over the other person—are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.”

I first read this in Grace’s excellent post drawing attention to Ben’s very detailed review of the book … which I’d recommend. Once I make my way through the heavy lifting due for the EV Theological Conversation in April, this book will be pretty high on my list. But this quote really struck me. As in right between the eyes.

Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s my mood. But this really reminded me of my/our CLB and the struggle we went through as we left our former church home and family.

Our CLB was all about control and manipulation. Our masks and costumes had to be in place as soon as the car doors opened in the parking lot. We were expected to think in conjunction with the Uni-mind. No questions were allowed … of God, of the pastor or of the elder board. Questions were indications that our loyalty and even perhaps our salvation was suspect. Certainly, we would not be allowed in any position where others might be influenced to ask questions as well. Questions were like cancer and must be contained, stifled and excised from the body, lest any harm come to the pastor … err … umm … body.

I’m painting with a somewhat broadbrush here. It was quite painful after fourteen years with this pastor and his family. And we faced a lot of pressure to conform to certain lines of thinking that are very clearly areas where good Christians might disagree and still be in communion with one another. I was asked to disavow a calling on my life given me by God and confirmed by anyone who has known me for any length of time.

There are powerful forces within the Christian community. The call of Christ to live in community must not be taken lightly and indeed I believe that most of us do not. However, it is then in our nature to become manipulative within our communities in order to maintain our own sense of safety and well-being.

How do we love people without controlling them? The very desire for another to have “something more” implies that one knows that the other currently has something less, and that we know what “more” is. That we somehow have the ability to bestow this upon the other. Or perhaps even this is arrogant.

Perhaps the question is more basic than this. How does one exist in a community without manipulating others? How do I exert my rights as a human being without impinging upon yours? In other words, if I want to drive my car 90 miles an hour down my street … well then, it’s really not loving of you to tell me that I mustn’t. I have control of my car and you asking me to slow down is manipulative. Or perhaps I’m being provocative.

Here’s a better situation. LightGirl, her friend and LightHusband went to a Washington Capitals game the other night. Very near them sat an overly exuberant fan. A very. large. overly exuberant fan. He was fond of shouting and stomping. His stomping in particular was very annoying to LightGirl. She finally stood up and asked him, politely, but very firmly to stop stomping his feet. He did not respond very politely, but LightHusband did observe that he ceased the behavior in question, despite his verbal refusal to do so.

I think that was loving. It was clearly not manipulative. LightGirl had a request. She made that request. OverlyExuberantFan responded. They worked it out. Now, it was just one hockey game. I’m not sure how it would work out in the face of daily interactions. But perhaps OverlyExuberantFan and LightGirl would get to know one another and work out something more amenable to both. They would come to an understanding of each other and where the boundaries are. They might grow to love and respect each other; want good things for each other. LightGirl might come to understand OEF’s desire to stomp and he might come to understand why it annoys her.

All of which begins to remind me of that cloying poster from my college days. It was based on the book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It usually pictured a seagull flying high in the sky and had swirly, girly writing. The text always said: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they’re yours. If they don’t they never were. GACK!!

As with all cloying cliches, there is a kernel of truth in there. It’s at the beginning. If you love someone, set them free. When I began to think about it, I started thinking about Jesus and God. Because a lot of what happens in churches is ascribed to God/Jesus, but maybe it ought not to be. Often times, they are thought of as manipulative and coercive because their followers tend to be, in love, of course. But was Jesus? What would Jesus do?

As it turns out Jesus loved people (sinners) without manipulating them at all. When faced with capital charges, he didn’t answer them; did not defend himself. At all points in his ministry when his integrity was questioned, or his reputation was on the line, or his safety was threatened, he never got defensive or manipulative, or coercive.

He told the truth. And the truth shall set you free. Hmmmmm …..