The three people who are still reading this blog after my long hiatus, know that I have started writing again using a series of blog prompts put on by National Blog Posting Month found by clicking on that link back there. I found it through one of the writers in my feed reader. The day (last Monday) she posted, the prompt was this:
Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?
That’s been rattling around in my head since then. I did not post anything that day. I’ve toyed with the idea of back posting ever since because … well … because.
Ready for the Ball
Friday night LightGirl went on her first date. She and her date went to a dance; the Blumen Ball the dance committee called it. It was a semi-formal dance put on for homeschoolers. KidCourageous (as he shall be known here) asked her to go about 10 days before the event. She accepted and they both were very excited (on a scale of 1 to Christmas morning they agreed it was like going back to Hogwarts). They had a wonderful time and danced the whole evening. Their chauffeur for the evening was KidCourageous’ older brother. LightGirl was presented with a wrist corsage and KidCourageous was a perfect gentleman all evening. She is still (Sunday morning) walking on air. If you are friends with me on FaceBook you can see photos there.
There was only one small snag. Several of the young men in LightGirl & KidCourageous’ group of friends thought it would be fun and funny to play games with them during the dance. These young men would surround them and separate the two of them regularly throughout the evening. It might have been funny had it only happened once or twice, but as young men are wont to do, they carried it on for too long and too far. LightGirl and KidCourageous became frustrated with the situation. But they handled it graciously and kindly without creating any fuss.
The next night, the ringleader of the young men was chatting with LightGirl on FaceBook (which they do regularly). She was still pretty upset with him for the antics of the previous evening. I encouraged her to let him know that she was unhappy, but to be kind about it. I guess she must have because he attempted to apologize. It was a rusty attempt because I’m not certain he does this very often. But all the ingredients were there … he acknowledged that he had behaved badly, he empathized that it was hurtful, and he agreed that he shouldn’t have done it. The only thing lacking were the specific words, “I’m sorry.” But those are the least important words in an apology; he included the more important ones. I haven’t been able to convince LightGirl that this is in fact an apology yet. She (at the time) was still too upset and hurt by past interactions with this young man to be objective. But I was really proud of him for taking that risk. She will come around and be able to see it in a day or so. My hope is that he will not be feeling rejected by then and their friendship will be restored. I think it will … they seem to practice this sort of thing on each other regularly and are getting better and better at it every time.
The whole incident pointed out some things about apologies to me that I’ve been reflecting on for some time now.
The first thing is this … an apology is a risky business. The person apologizing puts themselves in a vulnerable position vis a vis the person (or group) they are apologizing to. They are giving power and/or control over to that person/group. Forgiveness is a form of acceptance and redemption gives one re-entry to the relationship. When one apologizes one acknowledges both wrongdoing and that the other person may or may not offer grace in return. The restoration of the relationship is entirely in the hands of the person to whom one has apologized in that moment.
A proper apology consists of several necessary ingredients – an acknowledgment of wrong/bad/hurtful behavior, empathy with the person/group who was harmed by the behaviour, and agreement both that it should not have happened and that one will endeavor to prevent it from happening again.
Apologies cannot be demanded or manipulated. They can only be offered free and clear by the person who is apologizing. If they are not offered, but instead are made in response to a demand or as a result of manipulation they will be useless or empty. One cannot acknowledge wrong/bad/hurtful behaviour when one doesn’t know what one has done. This happens when an apology is demanded or manipulated as a condition to restore one’s relationship. One can only be mournfully sorry about general malfunctions if an apology is demanded or manipulated.
Most often, though, between adults (and near adults), apologies run in both directions. It is extraordinarily rare among two parties to a dispute to have only one which needs to apologize. When wrongs have been done they often have been committed by both parties.
If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you may recall an ugly leave-taking with my CLB back in early-ish 2007. It was hard. It was hurtful. It was/is permanent. It was a long drawn out process, during which an apology was demanded of me in order that my relationships in the church might be restored. I had no idea what apologize for so it was empty and meaningless. But I was trying to do anything I could to restore balance and harmony to relationships that had strayed badly off course.
I’m now apologizing to the people in question here. I still have no idea what the instigating issues were (though I have been told many times that I do). However, I can apologize for my very poor behavior during that months long process. I was defensive, angry and embattled. I was also very depressed. In the words of Paul the apostle, what I wanted to do, I could not do and I knew that I was doing what I did not want to do. Call it arrogance (certainly), call it tunnel vision, call it depression, or some of all of that and some other things that I have yet to identify, but I could not see any other path at the time than the one I/we traveled. I know that did damage to the people I was close to. I know our abrupt departure was frightening, upsetting, and painful. I apologize for that. I wish it could have been different. I wish I were different; stronger, better, wiser. But I’m not. I’m zealous, over-protective, and type A-high maintenance. In an attempt to preserve feelings and group unity, I kept secrets I should not have kept. Revealing them here, or now would not be profitable. But keeping them at the time proved ultimately harmful to everyone, including me. They seemed harmless. But secrets never are. All things kept in the dark ultimately prove to be harmful.
I know that I am in a much healthier frame of mind now. I have more tools at my disposal for communicating my difference of opinion with others without being as confrontational as I’ve been in the past. Do I think that any of this will or would change anything? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to do this for my own peace of mind. How it is received and what is done with it is out of my hands. If I had been healthier at the time there is a chance I might have been able to exit with less damage. Maybe. But … I’d hate to speculate now. What happens now … who knows?
