Well … this feels like gossip. But maybe not, because I’m documenting my chain. You can read the links, so I guess that’s not really gossip because you can go and read it for yourself … it just has that feel because I haven’t read the original for myself. Not the book. Not even the original review. Bad me.

Emerging Grace quoted Ben Witherington who quoted from Rob Bell in his book. So … yeah. That feels like gossip, but I’ve put in the links and you can go read for yourself to get the proper context.

Here is Ben’s quote (he is reviewing Rob’s new book Sex God) from the book, chapter 5:

Here is an excellent para.— “Love is giving up control. It’s surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two—love and controlling power over the other person—are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.”

I first read this in Grace’s excellent post drawing attention to Ben’s very detailed review of the book … which I’d recommend. Once I make my way through the heavy lifting due for the EV Theological Conversation in April, this book will be pretty high on my list. But this quote really struck me. As in right between the eyes.

Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s my mood. But this really reminded me of my/our CLB and the struggle we went through as we left our former church home and family.

Our CLB was all about control and manipulation. Our masks and costumes had to be in place as soon as the car doors opened in the parking lot. We were expected to think in conjunction with the Uni-mind. No questions were allowed … of God, of the pastor or of the elder board. Questions were indications that our loyalty and even perhaps our salvation was suspect. Certainly, we would not be allowed in any position where others might be influenced to ask questions as well. Questions were like cancer and must be contained, stifled and excised from the body, lest any harm come to the pastor … err … umm … body.

I’m painting with a somewhat broadbrush here. It was quite painful after fourteen years with this pastor and his family. And we faced a lot of pressure to conform to certain lines of thinking that are very clearly areas where good Christians might disagree and still be in communion with one another. I was asked to disavow a calling on my life given me by God and confirmed by anyone who has known me for any length of time.

There are powerful forces within the Christian community. The call of Christ to live in community must not be taken lightly and indeed I believe that most of us do not. However, it is then in our nature to become manipulative within our communities in order to maintain our own sense of safety and well-being.

How do we love people without controlling them? The very desire for another to have “something more” implies that one knows that the other currently has something less, and that we know what “more” is. That we somehow have the ability to bestow this upon the other. Or perhaps even this is arrogant.

Perhaps the question is more basic than this. How does one exist in a community without manipulating others? How do I exert my rights as a human being without impinging upon yours? In other words, if I want to drive my car 90 miles an hour down my street … well then, it’s really not loving of you to tell me that I mustn’t. I have control of my car and you asking me to slow down is manipulative. Or perhaps I’m being provocative.

Here’s a better situation. LightGirl, her friend and LightHusband went to a Washington Capitals game the other night. Very near them sat an overly exuberant fan. A very. large. overly exuberant fan. He was fond of shouting and stomping. His stomping in particular was very annoying to LightGirl. She finally stood up and asked him, politely, but very firmly to stop stomping his feet. He did not respond very politely, but LightHusband did observe that he ceased the behavior in question, despite his verbal refusal to do so.

I think that was loving. It was clearly not manipulative. LightGirl had a request. She made that request. OverlyExuberantFan responded. They worked it out. Now, it was just one hockey game. I’m not sure how it would work out in the face of daily interactions. But perhaps OverlyExuberantFan and LightGirl would get to know one another and work out something more amenable to both. They would come to an understanding of each other and where the boundaries are. They might grow to love and respect each other; want good things for each other. LightGirl might come to understand OEF’s desire to stomp and he might come to understand why it annoys her.

All of which begins to remind me of that cloying poster from my college days. It was based on the book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It usually pictured a seagull flying high in the sky and had swirly, girly writing. The text always said: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they’re yours. If they don’t they never were. GACK!!

As with all cloying cliches, there is a kernel of truth in there. It’s at the beginning. If you love someone, set them free. When I began to think about it, I started thinking about Jesus and God. Because a lot of what happens in churches is ascribed to God/Jesus, but maybe it ought not to be. Often times, they are thought of as manipulative and coercive because their followers tend to be, in love, of course. But was Jesus? What would Jesus do?

As it turns out Jesus loved people (sinners) without manipulating them at all. When faced with capital charges, he didn’t answer them; did not defend himself. At all points in his ministry when his integrity was questioned, or his reputation was on the line, or his safety was threatened, he never got defensive or manipulative, or coercive.

He told the truth. And the truth shall set you free. Hmmmmm …..

It was a hockey weekend here at the LightHouse. This was an appropriate end to a hockey week. With the schools out for so much of the week, LightGirl spent an inordinate amount of time at the rink sparring and playing on the ice with her friends. When the kids are out of school, the rink opens up the ice (for a small charge of course) to club members. The kids flock there like lemmings. Don’t mistake me, though, I’d far rather she be there than at the mall or the movie theater.

Friday night she attended something called “Club Sk8”. This is a free skate event for the whole community … well … all teenagers. It was the most teens I’d seen in one place at one time in quite some time. I felt as though I’d stepped into the bar scene of the first (third) Star Wars movie. A brief warning flashed through my mind that I would never ever allow LightGirl to attend one of these events again. But then individual faces began to settle out of the mix and I saw the youth underneath the gloss. She had fun and kept to her friends. She was fine. More fine than I.

Saturday her team played a so-called developmental team one age bracket up. So these 13 and 14 year olds went up against 17-19 year olds. They lost 4-3. But they played hard and fair. Which is more than I can say for the other team; which, despite having more than 3 lines of players, kept their best players on the ice for the entire 3rd period in order to win, while our coach rotated her players according the ethics of the league. Of course, when I say these players were on the ice for the third period that’s something of a misnomer … they were on the ice when they weren’t in the penalty box. This was the dirtiest team I think we’ve ever played. AND … I found out after the game the players complained to the off ice officials that us moms were distracting them with our cheers. That was a first. What a silly game.

Sunday we played against the boys PeeWee Select in-house team. Select means that these boys are hand picked. Our team is come one, come all. They are 11-13 years olds. As the game went on a cheering contest of sorts evolved between the parents. It was good natured, of course, because we all knew that we were part of the same organization. There were cracks made from us about the girls not hurting the boys. There were cracks from them about the boys trying harder to get dates than to win the game. It was fun and funny. The boys won, but they had to work hard to do it. They had to work a lot harder than they expected to. That was funny too. Our girls knocked them all over the ice. Stole the puck out from under their sticks. And raced them from one end of the rink to the other. One of our defensewomen was skating like she was a pro. She was whipping up and down the ice frontwards and back, making it look easy.

While the moms awaited the players, one of the more boisterous of the boys dads came up to us and said, “Hey, I’m the dad of the boys goalie. Your goalie is really good. She’s really good.” He nodded his head and grinned. We all grinned too, because we think DB is fantastic (and she is). Then he said, “You know, she’s so good, she oughta just forget about girls hockey and come on over to the boys.” and he turned around and left, patting himself on the back for what a nice compliment he’d just given us. Nice.

After the game, some of our girls (LightGirl included), went to the boys lockerroom. They poked their heads in and called out, “We’re sorry if we hurt any of you.” and ran away giggling. They’re still laughing about that story. It was all in fun and very good natured. There was free ice time after the game. And, yes, we stayed so that LightGirl could skate some more.

She’s skating again today for about 7 straight hours.

We’re back to real life tomorrow. But it’s been fun.

There’s no checking in girl’s ice hockey ….

… there is, however, some jumping and leaning!

You can see more photos of LightGirl’s game on Saturday here … she is number 94.  They won (by the way) and it was the goalie’s second game playing in the net.  She’s only 10 years old and did a fabulous job.  I love girl’s hockey.  I really love how it’s teaching my daughter to own herself.

We’re the only team in the league to have a woman coach.  I’m happy with that.  I hope she returns next year.  I think it’s important for our daughters to have strong role models like that.  I like her style of coaching and what she’s teaching the girls about how to play and how to be a team together.  I think it’s planting good roots for them.  This has been a hard year for all of them, but they will be better players and better people for it and I am glad.

…. in which I believe we finally see the end of the line.

Breakfast – waffles.  In an attempt to appease the natives (LightChildren) I made waffles for breakfast.  This, however, put me into a post-breakfast coma despite the addition of 2 soft boiled eggs.  I can only eat waffles/pancakes on very limited occasions for breakfast … a weekday is not one.

Lunch – (so picture Evita here singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”) I’m singing “Don’t Bake For Me Frozen Crap”  I will never eat it again … I shake my fist at you frozen crap in my freezer.  I will not eat you in a boat.  I will not eat you with a goat.  I will not eat you on a lake.  I will not eat you with a rake.  No no no no no.  But … I did.  Chicken nugget creatures with some leftover curried rice salad.

Snack with coffee – I baked up some frozen mini-cinnamon rolls.  Only they had gotten freezer burned.  Or something.  YUCK.  Throw them away before they contaminate someone.

Dinner – Subway on our way to hockey practice.  Grinder was good.  Doritos …. first 3 were tasty.  next 3 not so much.  Threw away the rest of the bag.  LightChildren gagged at smell of snackfood bags open in car.  Interesting.  Sugar cookie … HORRIBLE.  Two bites that I still tasted this morning.

This morning LightHusband and I decided to wave the white flag.  We’re done.  Steve Jr. … we’re giving in gracefully.  Two days ago the LightChildren were complaining that there was no soda, now they are pining after juice.  We have one chicken (freezer date unknown???), assorted frozen appetizers, 4 bags of dried lentils, 2 containers of sour cream, 3 jars of maraschino cherries and assorted other oddities left.  Nothing to make meals out of anymore.

It is time to go to the grocery store in a very planned and cautious fashion.  With a list.  And a menu plan.   More later … it’s time to take the LightChildren rollerskating.

… in which we process steadily onward.

Breakfast – cereal.  Supplies are beginning to run low.  I had biscuits leftover from the previous night’s dinner with jam and a glass of milk.

Lunch – LightGirl and LightHusband were perfidious and had trashy frozen things.  LightBoy loves his mother and remembered the leftover soup.  I forgot to eat lunch.  I was making gingerbread.

Dinner – we attempted to make fried rice, but searched high and low for the cover to the rice cooker.  So LightHusband redeemed his earlier perfidy by making something … it included tortellini, previously prepared chicken bits, mixed veggies (broccoli, carrots and water chestnuts?), and spill of dried cilantro all tossed together with sesame ginger dressing.  We called it Cilantro Surprise.

Then we watched the NHL All Star hockey game and ate popcorn.  We drank pomegranate spritzers with our popcorn … san Pellegrino with pomegranate juice.  We are so poor and destitute.  Bleh.  This is turning into a self-hatred event for me.  Perhaps I need to drop out now.

The gingerbread was delicious.  I’ve found a yummy dessert for our Saturday mini-retreat.  I need to find something fun for an afternoon snack … I’m sure I will.  I have a can of pumpkin in the pantry; maybe pumpkin bread or pumpkin muffins.  I also know we have mounds and mounds of frozen appetizer treats.  Ugh.  More self-hatred.

I’ve been double-tagged (this time by Brother Maynard), which is not to say double-teamed, because it was done independently and innocently.  I guess this means I have friends.  Which is a very nice thing to have …

1) What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why? (two sentences max)

Scoring LightGirl’s hockey games.  I’ve just trained for it, but I know I’ll have a ball and better still it will force me to pay attention.

2) Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did? (one sentence max)

Continue learning Arabic and languages in general; I pick up languages really easily and I’d love to keep up with Arabic it’s a beautiful language.

3) Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting it off? (one sentence max)

Paint my bedroom … and make into a safe haven; it’s always been the last room in the house to get decorated (that’s a euphemism for never).

4) What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why? (two sentences max)

Arabic because I want to get back to my first love, Middle Eastern studies, and to be able to work towards reconciliation in the Middle East.   Art quilting theory to move towards more art sense in my quilting.

5) If you could take a class/workshop/apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it be and what would you hope to learn? (two more sentences, max)

Georgia O’Keefe to learn how she looked at the world and to see it through her eyes and with her sense of color and light.

6) What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you?

funny, creative, generous (two of my best friends came up with these for me 😉 ) a fourth word is “tease” … they are so fond of me.

7) Now list two more words you wish described you…

wise (again with the wise), skinny

8) What are your top three passions? (can be current or past, work, hobbies, or causes– three sentences max)

redemption, history, fabric (not necessarily in that order)

9) Write–and answer–one more question that YOU would ask someone (with answer in three sentences max)

What’s your background, as in where do you come from?
I was born in western Massachusetts, spent time in Kansas and then raised in Vermont.  Went to college in upstate New York and I’ve lived in northern Virginia for most of my adult life after a couple of years in Washington DC.

Now … who to spread this virus, I mean, who to tag?

Hmmmm … GoldenGirl, BrickDude, LinusLetters, StaplerGuy, WittyPoet

LightGirl realized a dream yesterday.

And seriously outted herself. She’s got no excuses anymore.

Here’s how it went. She has a private lesson with CoachTopDog on Mondays and Wednesdays. He’s a really super guy and has helped her come a long way in a short time. After her Wednesday lesson a group of boisterous teenage boys are usually on the ice for an impromptu scrimmage. She is supposed to spend her time practicing what she has just learned from CoachTopDog. However, she’s been overwhelmed by the boys. I get overwhelmed and I’m sitting in the bleachers, so I can hardly blame her.

Then she went to goalie camp over the holiday break and she met CounselorGuy. They had great fun together in an older brother, younger sister kinda way. Although, LightGirl developed a tiny bit of a crush on him, I believe she understands he is TOO OLD for her. The short of it is, they became friends.

Yesterday he was among the boisterous boys who were going to scrimmage after her lesson was over. So she screwed up all of her courage and asked him if she could be included. These boys are all 16 and up. My little girl was playing hockey with VERY LARGE boys. I’m glad I was not there. LightHusband reports she had a ball. Even more, she skated HARD and ran after that puck. She checked the boys and they checked her. For an afternoon she was one of them. CoachTopDog came out to watch and had a glimmer of pride in his eye too.

The last thing I ever expected out of this hockey thing was that it would be part of the reconciliation of roles between men and women. But I wonder if it is. I wonder if it’s a place where our children can grow up to see each other as real equals, no more and no less than one another.

The whole LightFamily embarked on a new adventure yesterday. The wailing and gnashing of teeth was incredible. I believe the LightChildren even said (at top volume), “Stop torturing us!!” and “You’re going to KILL us.” I dunno … I think Will Samson has a great idea and so does LightHusband. So we’re joining in the Pantry Challenge 2007. LightHusband was ambiguous at first. He accused me of derailing our efforts before we began. I was unaware of Will’s oncoming brainstorm and decluttered our pantry last week. I ridded ourselves of such gems as 2 year old canned mango pulp, a 2 year old package of freeze dried squid tentacles, out of code (by a year) stuffing mix, and hundreds (I may be exaggerating) of boxes with miniscule dribs and drabs of bits of crackers and cereal in them. I began to wonder if those stale bits of crackers and cereal could be considered seed for new crackers and cereal. Then I threw them away. LightHusband thinks we’re going to lose the challenge because I trashed our dearest treasure. What. Ever.

I’m not in this for the winning anyway. I’m in it because we need some place in our lives where there is a boundary that says, “Stop. That’s enough.” We are overflowing and still can’t find anything for dinner each night out of sheer laziness. Bad craziness. I need a reason to be creative with food again. So I’ll be blogging about this and our silly food creations.

When LightHusband was in TOG (The Old Guard), they had a saying. It went like this, “Rumor-control is outta control.” It meant that some rumor had gotten out of hand and had traveled through so many people and gotten so twisted up it was now completely silly and everyone knew it. It was also code for, “We live in a small circle and we need to be careful with each other.” I’m going to coin a new phrase for the emerging church blog-o-sphere. Not that anyone reads my blog and pays attention to me. So no one’s going to know. But I’m still going to try: Meme-control is outta control. You heard it here first!

I don’t know quite how it happened but I’ve been double-tagged on a meme. In a meme where a number of people have been double-tagged. And they’re all whining about it. It’s been meme heaven around here lately. Too much meme-ing going on. Here’s the line of meme that happened to me (I think) …

It began with Phil Wyman (the meme man from Massachusetts 😉 ). He tagged Cindy and John Smulo. Cindy tagged Jamie and Jamie tagged me. John tagged RobbyMac who tagged Brother Maynard who then tagged John and me (both for our second time). I say we all tag Phil and make him …. hmmm … I can’t think of a fitting discipline for meme-madness. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

It’s the beginning of the year and I’ve been struck this year by entities who are claiming this year. A church in our area (who enjoys tormenting me with their offensive signage) claimed 2007 as the Year of the Bible. “Whoa,” I thought as I drove by, as I must on a nearly daily basis. That’s quite a claim to make before the year has barely started.

Almost the next day, the dearly beloved Brother Maynard came out with prognostications of his own. Nay, spaketh he, 2007 is the Year of the Missional. And, not that I would ever be so bold as to suggest that the good Brother might be seeing what he expects to see, I’ve been now seeing a plethora of posts at his place on missional sorts of stuff. 😉

So, thought I, it seems to be vogue to make declarations about this year. Perhaps I’ll make one. Here’s what I’m seeing a lot of (and I’ll say it first … I could just be seeing what I want to see). I’m seeing a lot of action in the area of redeeming relationships. Particularly the area of redeeming the relationships between men and women. Women want to make their lives and the lives of men whole and healthy. So, I’m calling it …

2007 … the year of Redeeming Relationships.

Many of you who know us in the brick and mortar world, know that yesterday (the infamous New Years Day) was/is LightGirl’s birthday. Yesterday she turned 13. It seems impossible that it was a whole 13 years ago that she was born. But it is. As you all now know her LightHusbandGrandparents are visiting.

When the visit was being planned and we asked about her birthday we discussed birthday day plans with her. She tends to be rather, um, focussed on hockey. She discovered that there was a home game scheduled for New Years Day and she would very much like to take her grandparents to the game. It was against the team that Wayne Gretsky coaches so she was also hoping for a glimpse of the Great One.

Tickets were exhorbitant. So we squashed that plan.

Then LightHusband was out and about Christmas shopping during the week before Christmas. He happened to be in line behind a tall man wearing a Capitals jersey with the name “Zubrus” on it. They struck up a conversation and after talking for a while, LightHusband felt comfortable asking him if he were “the” Zubrus. Number 9. The second of LightGirl’s heros. Dainius Zubrus. LightHusband was trolling for an autograph. His reply, “I am de Zubrus brother.” Lighthusband told him of LightGirl’s desires. As they talked, LightHusband discovered that the brother is the Sales Manager for the Washington Capitals. They just so happened to be in line at the Apple Store where computers are “on-line.” So after each had made their purchases, Mr. Andrius Zubrus and LightHusband hunkered over one and he found us some seats.

Six rows back … where we could count the hairs on Olie (the goalie) Kolzig’s head.

We could see the faces of all the players as they crashed and banged into the boards. Their ability to concentrate on that puck and still be aware of the location of each and every other team mate is amazing. Almost feral.

LightGirl was enthralled with every … single … moment. She had the time of her life. Sometime next week she’ll float back down to earth. But for right now she’s dreaming big dreams and daring to hope the hopes of a 13 year old girl. And I am very glad to be her “hockey mom.”

LightGirl just finished Goalie Camp for her Christmas vacation. It’s all she wanted. Goalie equipment and camp. So that’s what she got … used equipment and four days with HeadCoach and several other potential goalies (including JustOneFriend), her good friend Monkey from her team was there too, to shoot pucks at the goalies-in-training and of course some counselors. One was a young man, CounselorGuy, who we heard many stories about each day (LightGirl insists that he is very, very cute! Her father and I are reserving judgement). Here are a series of photos wherein LightGirl is cross-checking CounselorGuy and knocking him down.

He’s down:

We’re back in black …

… do not mess with the two baddest girls in black!

My Christmas giving was scarred for life by an experience in my teen years. Brother1 and I went in together to get Brother2 a pocket knife. Brother2 was about 11 at the time. For those of you who know LightBoy, they share many characteristics. All the good ones. Brother1 and I were fairly unwitting in our choice of gift. We knew it was desired, but we were unaware of the depth of desire. All I can remember of the moment of unveiling is Brother2 sitting on our old rickety sofa, with the Buck Knife cradled in his 2 hands as if it were the Hope Diamond, repeating over and over,

“Buck.”

“Knife.”

“OHhhhhhh”

There just aren’t many gifts in one’s life that can match that. I’ve given up trying. Sort of. There’s a little piece of me that wants to achieve it each year, but I’ve finally realized that it is indeed fruitless to attempt it.

I came close this year. I gave LightHusband a lens for his camera that he’s been joking about for quite some time. Only apparently it wasn’t a joke. So here are two of the many photos he’s taken with it since he took it out of the box. He has not yet sent me my favorite … maybe I’ll post it later this evening.

Here is LightGirl in a moment of rest after she opened her goalie gear. She then wore said gear for the remainder of the opening. It was amusing to open gifts with a sta-puf marshmallow girl. 😉

Here is a rooster that hangs in one of my kitchen windows. Isn’t he colorful? He was supposed to go to my mother. Sorry LightMom. But I liked him too much after I got him. So he stayed here. The LightQueenMother got lighted knitting needles instead.