I’m not quite certain how to begin this post. It’s been fomenting for a while now. There were posts by Makeesha and Julie earlier this week that fed it. Then Bro. M. posted on EMasculinity yesterday, quite independently of Mak and Julie. I know it was independently because he’s at a Missional Order Gathering in Washington this week and had pre-loaded his posts. So … it just so happened.
Then there was the piece d’ resistance … photos of the Missional Order Gathering sponsored (I believe) by Allelon in Washington posted by Rick (Blind Beggar) Meigs. Shock and awe at the length of Bro. M.’s hair!! I’m still trying to put that first photo in perspective … because my mental picture of Bro. M. does not look like this. And I’m jealous of his hair. Whenever I grow my hair out that long it gives me headaches because it gets so heavy 😀 So I gave up years ago and keep it short and sassy … the sassy part is to go with my personality.
In any case, Rick mentioned that there were only “four or so women” at the conference. I spluttered and squawked in his comments (and later apologized). FOUR??!!!! Peggy updated that to six, but noted that since every woman is worth 2 or 3 men things were probably more or less equal since there were only 41 total people at the gathering. I like Peggy’s math ;-).
A number of years ago (maybe five or six or more), LightHusband was involved in the Wild At Heart, er, movement (not sure what to call it). He went to one of their conferences and read the book. I read it too. I guess if you take all that stuff out to the n’th degree it’s really nauseating … and it is. But there was also a lot there to value and at the time in our lives when we experienced it, there was a lot there that was really freeing too. To keep it simple, we ate the meat and spat out the bones (and there were many). This was not an ideology that we camped out on for long.
However, there were some meaty things that we both took away from it. One thing is this. Men (and yes, I’m generalizing here … not every man does this, but many men do, so bear with me here, okay?) in general, are protectors and defenders. Women, in general, respond well to this. Now … before you get all up in my face … keep reading, because I do NOT mean this in the traditional sense. I can best describe this by how it has worked out in my marriage. There are a few of you who have met me and LightHusband and we’re not what many would describe as traditional. But … he does protect and defend me. What I mean by that is this, he protects my space and my needs. He looks out for me and feels that his role in our marriage is to create space where I can flourish and grow. Now, I have that role as well to a certain extent but not in quite the same manner. I support and guide his heart in a fashion that is more feminine, but if you were to look at the “jobs” we do in the home they are often reversed.
I’m bringing this up because I think that the men who are in and of the emerging conversation have an important job to do now. Many of them have said that they value women more than their counterparts in the institutional church. But it is becoming imperative that they guard and protect those women. By this I mean that those men need to not just say the words that women are their equal, but they need to create space for women to flourish and grow. This is going to mean looking at the conferences that are planned and thinking about things such as childcare both at the conference and back at home, and when the conference is planned, where it’s planned, how much it costs … per person, and per couple, and per family, what are travel costs, etc. How many women leaders vs. men leaders are involved? It might also mean stepping back to allow a woman to take the stage or the spotlight.
More important than any of the above questions it will mean looking at women culturally to see how to include them. Women *are* different from men. We have been socialized differently. We respond to “open invitations” differently. It was pointed out in the conversation over at Rick’s blog that the Allelon conference was open to anyone who wanted to come. Yet as I reflect on the literature that was available for that conference and how women respond to those and how men do … it is very different. Women do need more of an invitation, especially in the church, they need to feel that they are indeed included and welcomed. For a woman to just “invite herself” to such an event goes against all the social norms we have been taught about being a “good girl.” Or to invite herself to participate in many of the group efforts going on is simply not done. It’s very, very difficult to overcome those social rules taught when we’re very young.
On the flip side, women are going to have to meet the men at least half way. I don’t know what any of this is going to look like. But I do know that we’re all going to be in uncharted territory. I also know that it’s terribly terribly important to the Kingdom that we’re able to represent it with a gender balanced view of who God is and we cannot do that with only one gender.
Yesterday was hockey, hockey and more hockey.
Lightboy had practice from 7:20 to 8:50 a.m. at our home rink. Meanwhile LightGirl had a game that she needed to be at by 9:40 that was almost 2 hours away. Her team was playing a team that was 2 years older, but they had alluded to the fact that they would bench their older players and play some younger developmental players for this game.
I may have mentioned here that CoachWonderWoman is about the only woman coach that we face, she is certainly the only woman coach in our club. Her coaching style is different from the teams which we face each week. I’m never certain if this is her personal style or if it is in part based upon her gender. Yesterday, I discovered that at least some of the difference is gender.
I may have mentioned that this year I am the team manager for LightGirl’s hockey team. I’m enjoying this role thus far. It doesn’t require too much of me and I get to do some different things that I sorta like. One thing that I’m ambivalent about is that I see more e-mail traffic about scheduling games than the average parent. I don’t know that I need to see this traffic, but I do. In the case of the game we played this past Sunday, it was alluded to by the opposing coach that he would pull back his older, more experienced players for this (non-league) game. It would be a chance for both teams to get some competitive experience without the pressure of league play. All was good.
Our team is significantly smaller (in terms of numbers) than the other team. We had 10 or 11 players there and they had at least 15. This means that we only had 2 full lines and they had at least three. They were able to rotate more players on the ice than we could. I saw a bunch of their players before hand. Now … remember I’ve spent significant years in youth ministry. I know how girls faces and bodies mature. Many of these girls were not under 14. There were at least 5 of them who were nearly capable of driving themselves to the rink.
But … their coach was restrained. For the first two periods. He mixed things up and kept his less mature players on the ice with the more mature players. He did this for a long time. Until it became apparent that doing this might cost him the game.
Then.
All bets were off. He put his best players on a line together and kept them out on the ice for a good long while. His rastafarian hat that one of his players had dared him to wear, came off. He paced the bench. Things looked bleak for our team. But, CoachWonderWoman and AssistantCoachSuperMan never shifted gears. They continued in the same vein and told our girls to keep their wits about them and do their best. It turned out that their best was indeed good enough. They won the game!! 8 to 7. And one of those goals belonged to LightGirl.
It got me thinking, though, about the differences between men and women. Men and women process these sorts of things very differently. They *see* the playing field differently. Men have a deep-seated need to win … at all costs. To women it’s more important to play the game well and fairly AND win. How we play the game is at least as important as winning. Men seem to find winning the sole factor in the game.
I pulled back a little further and now I’m thinking about how this plays out in our culture and more importantly in church. In our male dominated culture and especially the male dominated church, where gamesmanship and winning become the goal of an institution (even when it’s unstated and underground) I think that is how we have come to have these huge megachurches and ministries that “win” more souls than the church around the corner each week.
This is why it’s so important to have both men and women equally involved in leadership … in church and in life. It’s not just winning. It’s how you play the game.
I’m exhausted! Up at 5:30 both mornings. Out the door by 7 to go to the first hockey games of the season. LightHusband was out the door even earlier with LightBoy to his practices. The first game was at our home rink on Saturday. The second game was an hour and a half away in Maryland on Sunday. LightGirl scored her first goal on Sunday. Here is the celebration:
As you might imagine, this proud mama whooped it up in the stands for a solid minute. She played a good game yesterday. Strong and focused. All the girls did. They showed up with their heads in the game. It is so amazing to watch these girls play this game and do a good job. I love it. I love watching them be strong, think hard, and overcome places where they were weak previously. I love watching them grow. It makes the early morning sacrifices pale in comparison.
Up for conversation between LightGirl and I during our journey … “Mom, do you think that the girls program at our rink takes second place to the boys program?” Of course, she asked this question during the part of our journey where I had to pay attention to directions. But. I had to answer in the affirmative. Yes, honey it does take a back seat. But there are several reasons for that. First of all it’s a young program. It’s still building and growing. Second. Like it or not, hockey is still primarily a boys sport and girls aren’t as welcome as we’d like them to be. It’s changing, but it’s slow. We talked about how much she likes having Coach Wonderwoman (the only woman coach in our club) as her coach, and the only woman coach we face. We also talked about how Coach Wonderwoman *is* a woman in a man’s club and that makes it hard for her. That alot of people become uncomfortable when women take on roles that are perceived as “men’s” roles. She wanted to know why. I wish I could tell her.
I repeated the bones of this conversation to some of the moms I sit with in the stands. We are of an age together. We talked about the failure of feminism in this country. That we pay lip service to women being equal, but really we are not. There are few women leaders for any of us to look up to. The women that are out in front are set up to fail (Hilary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice being the two I can think of off the top of my head). They are also forced to play by the men’s rules and thus look harsh and ugly. Bitchy. We don’t like women leaders because they are not feminine. The manner in which women lead is entirely different from the manner in which men lead. However, women in leadership are not allowed to fully engage in that leadership style. They are forced to play by male rules in order to gain power. There is little parity.
I wonder how change will come about? What will it take? I hope it is the small things like playing hockey and learning to lead each other by their own standards rather than those of males are the things that will help bring the genders together. I don’t think we need to replace the male with the female … but that we need to enhance the male with the female. That it takes both to bring about good decisions and right leadership. Someday. Someday soon.
Several weeks ago my counselor challenged me to put a date on the calendar. Our house is pale and uncolored except for our fabulous mural. I’m bored with the lack of color. Last spring I finally bought drapes that I like. But I don’t want to put them up until we paint. So my counselor made me put a date on the calendar by which we would have painted the livingroom. That date is rapidly approaching.
The date is Sunday.
Tonight we bought paint.
We are painting the livingroom “cherry cobbler” and “home song” (which is a very pale jade green). I’ve had chips on the wall for months. But I didn’t like any of those. So we ditched them. And made completely different decisions in a matter of 5 minutes. Those sorts of decisions frighten me. But I always end up liking them. Even though they make me uncomfortable the whole time I’m executing them. I will spend the next whole amount of time that we are painting the livingroom finding reasons that this is not going to work. When I sense that it will.
So, I’m steppin’ out of my comfort zone.
As we were leaving I saw a scene at Home Depot that was out of my comfort zone. A young man and woman were entering the store as we were headed for the checkout. I did a double-take. The man was carrying a pink and purple tote bag over his shoulder that cradled a chiuaua.
So, I’m sort of morally opposed to carting animals around in purses to begin with. I’m not sure why. But there’s something wrong with containing an animal in a purse and carting it around like a toy. I know the people who do this would likely insist that they do it because they love their animal and do not want to be separated from it. But I dunno … it seems like they are turning the animal into something it sort of isn’t.
I have to admit, though, I’m really struggling with the visual of a man carting around a small dog in a pink and purple purse.  It was a clearly feminine dog in a clearly feminine container carried in a feminine manner by a man in a male environment. So, if I’m wanting to break down role barriers for myself, why did this bug me?
There’s a new blogger in the circle. She’s been commenting here and there. She’s brave to join in with us. Her name is Che and she hails from BC (as in British Columbia). She wrote a piece recently about regaining the rights to her identity. It’s quite good and worth the time to read. In it, she writes about the tension of daring to step out of the mold of being “nice” for it’s own sake and being herself yet being well-mannered. Not being a doormat anymore. I’m not sure quite what it was that she said, but something tickled the back of my mind and sent me on a hunt.
I didn’t have to hunt far.
Good old Merriam-Webster had what I was looking for. The etymology of the word “nice.” Here it is:
NICE – Etymology: Middle English, foolish, wanton, from Anglo-French, silly, simple, from Latin nescius ignorant, from nescire not to know
Well … now … that’s just super. All my life I’ve been told to be a nice girl. I’m not alone in this. All of us women have been told this.
“Nice girls don’t smoke.” “Nice girls don’t drive like that.” “Nice girls don’t … ” fill in the blank … OR
“Nice girls wear dresses to such and such.” “Nice girls don’t wear swimsuits like that.” “Nice girls …. fill in the blank.”
So … really … what we’ve all been told for a couple of generations now was … foolish, silly, simple, ignorant girls blah, blah, blah … We’ve been told that the best our women should aspire to was to be foolish, silly, simple and ignorant.
If ever I’ve heard a curse word I believe “nice” is one. I’m so fucking pissed … I could just spit. And I’m NOT going to be nice.
My friend, Doug, who peregrines around the land hath tagged me once again. It is the dread 8 random facts meme … but I’m not so into random facts lately. I don’t know what to do here. I want to point people to 8 … somethings. But in the end that’s really pointing to me and what I like and there’s something about these memes that are ultimately very self-centered. Of course, the whole blogging thing is too for that matter.
So I am tasked with coming up with 8 items of note about something, someone, or etc. Soo … here are 8 things I am thankful for today:
1. I am thankful that LightGirl’s temperment is not at all like mine. This is not because I have self-image issues, but because I am enjoying watching someone with an entirely different outlook explore and enter the world. I really love talking with her about different episodes in her life and hearing her perspective on them. She is so completely different from me and I am enjoying that very much.
2. I am thankful for antibiotics. I seem to have inherited my maternal grandfather’s predilection for sinus problems and so I’m thankful for the drugs that cure these ills.
3. I am thankful for coffee. I love coffee. If I could travel back in time, I would go back to the time when people first discovered coffee was good to drink and I would kiss their feet. Well … maybe not their feet. But I would hug them and kiss them and tell them what a wonderful thing they had done!
4. I am thankful for cotton. It’s one of three fabrics that feels good to my allergic skin and the other two are frightfully expensive. So I love cotton. I especially love it when it comes in the form of quilting fabric and I’m working on a quilt for someone I love (yes, GreatPea, your time is coming soon 😉 ).
5. I am thankful for BlazingEwe and TexasBlueBelle. They have kept my feet on the ground and helped me put one foot in front of the other more times than I can count.
6. I am thankful for the gift of creativity. The joy that comes from experimenting, designing, doodling and creating is without words. I love to play with color and words and shapes and make them all come together and “say” something using very few (if any) words.
7. I am also thankful for words, because I love to write. I love giving voice to the stories and ideas that wrestle in my head. I love to study the evolution of language and how words have depth, texture and meaning beyond what we think they do. That our language is not flat and two dimensional, but rich and deep and even four dimensional as it changes with time.
8. I am thankful that as I get older I am more and more able to embrace being an introvert. As a woman it is unacceptable to be an introvert, so I had to interact as an extrovert my whole life. But I’m learning how to balance cultural expectations with my own needs a little better now. Interpreted, yes, this means I’m learning to not care what others think quite so much anymore and I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I’m growing more comfortable in the skin God gave me.
Sooo … the rules state that I’m to tag eight more people and they have to do this too.
WHATEVER!
Rules … schmools. Did I also tell you that I’m somewhat rebellious? I’m going to tag a few people … I don’t know how many … for the all new Thankfulness Meme … You have to list 6 – 8 things you’re thankful for and then pass it on to whomever you think might need this little exercise in futility … Here are my victims er friends: Doug JJ the Smu Makuta Lyn Mak Erin
The other day I unwittingly wrote a post about the significance of 07.07.07 to the world … or not. Then I was browsing through my blog (her)story and came to the rather startling discovery that whether or not this date is significant to God, life the universe or anything … it’s significant to me. It’s my blog anniversary. My second. So, happy 2 to me.
I’m in a different place this year, than I have been the last two years. Both in physical and emotional space. The last two years as I wrote here, I was back in steamy Virginia anticipating my trip north to Vermont. To sit on the porch and hear the waters of Lake Champlain lap up on the shore. Today, I’m on the porch listening as I write. It is a balm to my weary soul.
I do so love it up here. My mother and my favorite aunt have been here too. We’ve been out gallivanting together. We did lunch and shopping (a first for all three of us together). We worked out together, found a quilt store together, jaunted off down curvy, hilly dirt roads to find strawberries together … all with me driving (and my mother directing 😉 she knows the roads better after all). It’s been a grand adventure. And I’ve been soaking it up to remember down the years.
We’ve been retelling the old family stories from when I was a child and from their childhoods as well. Stories I’ve heard at least a million times, but now I’ve heard them a million and one. Funny, though, there are one or two I haven’t heard and this time I’ve told a few of my own from my childhood that LightMom hadn’t heard, or added my own perspective to a well known story that brought gales of laughter, or in one case a sense of relief. It made me think of this quote (which I first saw over at Mak’s place, but later read myself in Relevant magazine, by the grande damme herself, Anne Lamotte):
One of my deepest beliefs is that every single thing that happens to you is yours. You get to own it, and you don’t have to keep others’ awful secrets for them anymore. You don’t have to be such a good son or such a good daughter that you can redeem their lives…If people don’t want you to write about them, then they should behave a lot better. It’s amazing when someone tells the truth.
All of which brings me back to my blog anniversary. The italics in the above quote are mine. I added them because I wanted my readers to pay attention to those words. Which, in the end, is why any writer adds italics to a bit of writing.
This is also a good day, three days after the celebration of the anniversary of our national Declaration of Independence, for me to celebrate my own declaration of independence. In a very small way. So here it is …
This blog is mine. It’s all mine. I write what I think about. What I write is public. I never, no never, write with the intention to hurt or threaten any one. But, as you might recall from my post last night, the truth is only threatening to those who wish manipulate it for their own ends. If anyone who reads this blog doesn’t like what they read, they can not read it … they can move along to another blog or another website. But … if people don’t want you to write about them, then they should behave a lot better. I’m just sayin’ … that’s all.
Emerging Grace did some writing a few weeks ago about an issue that has grabbed me by the teeth. Or hair. Or something. In any case, I can’t let go of it, or it me. We’ve been wrestling with each other, this issue and I. Neither of us bloody yet, or unbowed. But, after weeks of grappling, pondering and meditating, this issue and I are still taking the measure of one another. She wrote about the issue of leaving a church under a cloud (to put it mildly). The two posts that have me thinking the most are: Always Be Nice and Church Politics. Go read them now, and the comments if you want. I’ll wait here for you.
Yep, they really are that good, aren’t they? I thought so too. That’s why I wanted you to read them.
In any case, here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about as a result of reading her posts. One is that her most recent post, Church Politics, finally gave me a name for some of the things that have happened to me in church. I’ve been bullied in church. Who’d a thunk it? That there would be bullies in church … it’s the one place where we are supposed to be safe from such behavior. But it’s also the one place where bullies are kept safe. They learn early on how to operate, manipulate, and scheme within the system because no one can believe that such ugly things are happening in, of all places, a church!
With a nod to Grace for putting me on the trail, I found this website on bullying that is from the UK. It is quite dense and informative. It’s focus is on bullying in the workplace, but I think the crossover can be made to church quite easily. There are other sites for bullying and it’s sibling, mobbing, out there, but the UK site by Tim Fields is the most comprehensive site I found.
I spent hours on that site. Torn between flabbergasted and relief. Relief that I hadn’t imagined it; I wasn’t off my gourd or going crazy. Flabbergasted that this is so prevalent amongst adults that websites have been dedicated to it. Flabbergasted to find that my experience is far from unique. I wish it were unique. I wish that other people had not gotten hurt as I’ve been. But there it is … I’ve left a church as the result of bullying. The bully did things like:
There were other pieces of the puzzle that fit too, but those were the glaringly obvious bits. Then I found that Mr. Fields has identified four different bully types and was astonished to discover this description in there. It is my sense that many bullies which are “called” into ministry fit in this description, so I’m posting it here for those of you who will find it useful (remember … not all of these need to be present in a person, simply a preponderance of them make a bully):
The Attention-Seeker Motivation: to be the centre of attention Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high
The Attention-Seeker
Motivation: to be the centre of attention Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high
emotionally immature selectively friendly – is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship overhelpful, ditto overgenerous, ditto manipulative of people’s perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner manipulative with guilt, ditto sycophantic, fawning, toadying uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention exploits others’ suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention misappropriates others’ statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking excusitis, makes excuses for everything shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged lots of self-pity often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving demanding of others easily provoked feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they’re the one being bullied and harassed presents as a false victim when outwitted may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution malicious constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight includes Munchausen Syndrome the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention
(italics mine for emphasis).
What I learned, both in my actual interactions with the bully and in my later research, is that there is nothing that can be done. There is no path one can take to save face or save the relationship, or relationships that have been destroyed. Any activity is like wriggling your fingers in a Chinese finger trap … the harder you try to escape, the tighter you are enveloped in it’s clutches. There is only one method of release and that is turning around and walking away. Relax, admit defeat and walk away. Admit you are powerless, admit you have lost everything … and leave before anyone else gets hurt. So that is what I did.
I’m alone now with my husband and one or two friends. I wonder often now, how it is that God could have left me so high and dry, so vulnerable in His house, His Body. Who is this God who abandons His child in the midst of His temple? Perhaps, then, it wasn’t His temple after all … it’s really the only conclusion I’m left with.
I read about this at One for the Road … and took the survey too. I think it’s important to pass the word on. So, here it is … I’m passing it on. Be sure to check out Anne Jackson’s blog, and her upcoming book and even take a survey if you feel so inclined. It’s only a few minutes and a worthy cause.
LightHusband has been telling me for years to write. He kept encouraging me when it fell on deaf ears and I did not believe him, or perhaps I couldn’t.
A couple of years ago I found out about blogging and found little bits of courage here and there. I found that regular practice fed the spring and set my imagination free.
Tonight I got word that I’ve been published for real. I was asked for a submission and had an actual deadline and well, everything. And my piece was selected among other submissions for publication. All of which means … I have more work to do practicing and polishing and learning. But, I am encouraged and thrilled and … well … happy down in my soul.
So you can read the June issue of Porpoise Diving Life to see my piece and read other wonderful pieces to on women in ministry, all written by some fabulous women writers and bloggers. There is also an interview with Rose Swetmen and some book and music reviews. My piece is called The Mirror and it’s a short story.  But go read the whole issue, all of it is good.
