Do you ever stop being homesick?

I left my hometown and homestate when I was 18. I’m still unsettled. When my mother sends photos like this one, of their most recent snowstorm, I just want to go home.

When I was growing up we lived on what might be called a gentleman’s farm. I always say that with a bit of a laugh. In my mind this conjures up a vision of the English countryside and a man wearing a riding outfit or something equally elegant. My father, while well educated and well read, could not be further from that vision. We had a lot of rocks (it was, afterall, Vermont), a lot of trees, an old, empty barn foundation, a chicken coop, a lean-to for the pony and donkey and some rickety parts of the house that had clearly been added on after the original had been built in 1840. These parts had been added much, much later … say 1940. They were not up to code, so to speak. In one of those old, rickety outer rooms we kept a flock of geese. We also had chickens, a pony, a donkey, turkeys on occasion, sheep, and much later a small herd of cows (Scottish Long Horns). My brother also kept bees for a couple of years. We cut most of the wood we needed to heat our home in the winter and were fairly self-sufficient for a number of years. It’s hard work.

I learned quite a bit about geese when we kept them. Enough that I now have a healthy respect for them. I’m not fond of domesticated geese at all; they poop everywhere and they’re mean as snakes. But I love to watch wild geese come and go in their annual migrations. They are quite beautiful. But shy and reticent. The Canadian geese often winter here and then fly north for the summer.

If you’ve ever watched a goose on the ground, it’s a marvel that they can become airborne at all. When you consider that they fly hundreds of miles each year to nest and reproduce the marvel becomes that much greater. On the ground, geese are bumbly and awkward, with round waddly bodies that must move slowly and pedantically across the ground. But if you put them in the water, they become graceful, clean and smooth. Or with great flapping strides they become airborne and once again graceful, clean and smooth.

They are a flocking creature. They don’t do well on their own. Goslings bond with the first creature they see upon hatching from the egg. Even if it’s not the actual mother goose! So they live in fairly closely knit groups. Those groups expand and contract depending on the needs of the season and what the geese are doing at the time. The adult geese watch over the goslings pretty zealously. Even those who are not parents. There is a pond near our house which geese frequent and sometimes there are goslings growing up on this pond. It’s fun to watch the mom take the babies out for a spin. Other adults will form a line of defense between any humans and the goslings and watch … first the humans, then the goslings, then the humans, then the goslings. Until the goslings are finally finished, then the adults break ranks, fall out and go elsewhere.

It’s also quite interesting to watch these birds fly in their migratory pattern. The well-known “V” of geese flying north or south to nesting and/or feeding grounds is legendary in our culture. But it’s not a true “V.” One leg is always shorter than the other by a good bit. There’s a reason for that, but I don’t know what it is. I always marvel at it though. The other thing that I marvel at is that geese do not have one leader. They have several, or perhaps each goose or gander leads at one or more times during the trip. The lead goose has the most difficult task of breaking the wind for all the others. When one gets winded, s/he falls back and another takes his/her place. Some geese are more gifted for certain types of weather or wind patterns than others. The point is this, all the geese know where they are going (which is fairly miraculous in and of itself) and they follow each other by turns. There is no jostling for position. Leading is hard work and dangerous. It is the most difficult part of the journey for each goose. They each take their turn of service and then fall back when their season/turn is finished. They are not in it for power or glory or money; they are just trying to get themselves and their brethren to the next resting place on their journey.

I think we can learn a lot from geese.

In an attempt to keep up with LightGirl I got a MySpace account. Well … that’s not quite true. I got one before she did because I wanted to test the parental controls and the privacy controls. She found out I have a MySpace. Well … I told her. She thinks it’s wonderful. Here is a conversation we have recently had between our two MySpace accounts:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: LightGirl
Date: Feb 5, 2007 9:16 AM
OMG!!

Mom you need help pimping up your myspace!!!

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Lady oF Light
Date: Feb 5, 2007 10:14 AM
RE: OMG!!

Why … yes, I believe I do. Do you know anyone who might be of assistance in said “pimping up?”

Silly girl!

Love you …
—————– Original Message —————–
From: LightGirl
Date: Feb 6, 2007 9:09 AM

RE: RE: OMG!!
yes I will help you!!! Dumdada DDUUUUMMMMM!! YAY!!! so if your sooo bored I will help you pimp up your myspce!!

On the days when I’m not completely frustrated by having a teenager, I absolutely love it. She is hilarious. I love watching her try on new pieces of life.

Once my MySpace is adequately “pimped” I may even share it with others 😉

About a week ago I received an e-mail from my sister-in-law regarding global warming. This is not unusual. My nuclear and extended family has been attuned to environmental issues for as long as I can remember. When I was 12 my parents joined a group called Co-FEC. I don’t remember exactly what that stood for, but the upshot was that it was Citizens for a More Effective Electric Cooperative. Or something. Our electricity came to us via a co-op and that co-op needed an overhaul … needed to be more responsive to the people it served and needed to be more environmentally friendly.

We participated in Green Up Day every single year. This is the first Saturday in May (so it was my birthday on several occasions) and citizens fan out across the state of Vermont to clean up the roadsides of all the winter litter that fell out of the snow.

I don’t know if we were active in the campaign to bring back bottle returns ($.05 per bottle) but I’m certain my parents wanted to be. We certainly recycle everything possible. And always have. We recycled as a family before there were recycling centers. We used things until they wore out and then tried to use them for something else. Until there was nothing left but shreds. Plastic toboggans which were no longer useful for sliding became carriers for wood for our woodstoves, until there was nothing left of the bottoms. It pains me to throw so much stuff away.

Soooo … back to the e-mail. She challenged us, her family, to be thinking about ways we can live more gently on this earth. Here is the text of the e-mail (it’s dated Jan. 30):

This Friday a large report on global warming will be made public. Watch the news. The report is issued by scientists from around the world from what I know. The lowdown is that global warming is not just for future generations to deal with…..serious effects, while already being felt, will escalate in the next 10 years.
We, as a family, plan to make changes in our lifestyle. What those are we don’t not yet know if full. If any of you have thoughts on this topic, I would love to hear about it.

I’ve been thinking about that quite a bit. Coming on the tail of the great pantry challenge, I’ve been caught by it. How will we change? What can we do?

My assumptions have always been that if everyone were to change a little bit. And then a little bit more. If we all committed to doing one little thing each quarter and holding to it. It doesn’t have to be the same thing, just one thing that commits us to living more gently on the earth, it will make a great difference. That we all separately are small drips, but together we can form a great flood.

My mother responded with some tips from the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) and a website called Go Carbon Neutral. The tips from the CBC are below:

1. Don’t idle your car or leave it running.
2. Turn down the heat.
3. Recycle, recycle, recycle.
4. Use compact flourescent light bulbs as much as possible.
5. Reduce air travel.
6. Buy renewable energy.
7. Buy less and buy local.
8. Trade up to Energy Star rated appliances.
9. Drive less.
10. Retrofit your home.

… and the LightMother noted that this will “… take a massive amount of reorienting our lives to meet this challenge – not unlike the changes during WWII when there was rationing and meatless Mondays so the troops had enough meat. Or WWI when there were heatless Thursdays (and businesses closed) so there was enough coal for the ships taking goods and men to Europe.”

So … what will you do? Become part of the flood, before the “flood.”

UPDATE:  I love Vermonters and what they do when they come to Washington.  James Jeffords, who recently retired from the US Senate, first came to DC as a Congressional Representative in the 1970’s during the oil embargo and resulting gas crisis.  His response … install a woodstove in his DC office to reduce the need for petroleum.  Similar leadership is now needed and Vermonters are among the first to provide it in Congress.  Read this article from the Houston Chronicle … what I found astonishing was that the amount of money needed to offset the annual travel by a Representative and his staff was only $672 to for his whole office to become carbon neutral.  His money quote follows here:

“That ads up,” Welch said. “So thousands of small actions are going to add up to a different way of doing business that can be good for the environment.”

Be part of the flood …

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about integrity. I looked the word up recently on several websites … it means complete or pure or whole. It comes from a Latin word which is also the root word for integer or one. The synonyms for integrity are honesty, unity, and sincerity among others.

I’ve often thought that integrity is something that one can never have taken away from you. One may indeed give it away through acts of commission or ommission. But no one may ever have it taken away from them by others. I’ve been realizing lately that is not true. Others can take your integrity from you and your credibility as well. Once someone makes up their mind to believe a certain thing about you, there is nothing you can say or do to make them change their mind. Sometimes even evidence to the contrary is dismissed out of hand. It can be frustrating and terrifying. And once gone, there is nothing that can be done to retrieve it.

This has caused me to reflect on my grandfather. He was a Teamster. Specifically, he helped organize the union in Springfield, Massaschusetts. In an attempt to break the union up, he, as the union treasurer, was framed in 1939 or 1940. He spent a year in prison for embezzling funds. His integrity was shot.  Gone.  Taken from him by unscrupulous corporate snakes.  I don’t know all of the details and likely never will.  I do know that after approximately a year in prison, the governor of Massachusetts pardoned him.  I believe it was even better than that … I believe his case was withdrawn and thrown out.  As if it never happened.  All because evidence was found exonerating my grandpa.  He returned to his post, his name, integrity and credibility restored.

I’ve been wondering, though, what happens if or when that evidence is not found?  Or the evidence is not believed?  How does one live and work and play with people who do not trust the core of who you are?  Can you?  What if you woke up one morning and found out that some of your dearest friends didn’t really know you or want to know you at all?  Then what would you do?

… in which we begin to daydream about what we will purchase on that first trip back to the grocery store.

Breakfast – grilled potatoes and eggs mixed together.

Lunch – LightHusband had one of his now infamous lunch meetings. I worked out with friends so LightChildren were on their own. I had a grilled cheese sandwich upon my return before I shot off to another appointment.

Dinner – Inch-thick porkchops baked in glaze of MapleApple Drizzle, with Sweet Apple Orzo and Sugar Snap Peas on the side. It should have been wonderful and the table looked spectacular. And after 14 days on this challenge I was quite proud of this achievement …. until that first bite of pork chop …. that took five. minutes. (and some very hard work) to chew. Pork chops which have been frozen for 5 months are sort of ummmmm …. tough. So we laughed and giggled all through dinner and called them pork bricks and decided that even the LightDog might hurt his jaws on them. Then we began discussing how this whole experience might change the way we think about food and how we eat. What things we buy and where and when we eat. It was a good meal.

The cereal is all gone. I could make oatmeal, except that my homemade oatmeal requires applejuice. So that’s out. We’re down to some version of eggs or pancakes/waffles for breakfast. We still have gobs and gobs of frozen crap for lunches. We all decided that we don’t particularly care for that stuff. We won’t be purchasing it anymore.

In the main, I think we’re going to be more intentional about food. Which sounds sort of silly. But I think we’re going to go to the grocery store less often and with a list and a plan. And stick to the plan during the week. I know the LightChildren will heartily disagree with this, but there has been a lot of freedom in this challenge. There is tyranny in too many choices. Freedom may be found in just the right number of choices. This seems counter-intuitive, but it’s something I’m finding more and more often as I get a little further along in my journey of life.

Now for a random change of thought.  I was in a different from usual grocery store the other day (to purchase eggs and milk).  In this particular store the cigarettes were directly behind the cashier and the carton prices were clearly marked on brightly colored pieces of paper.  I was with BlazingEwe and we both commented on how very expensive cigarettes are.  We asked the cashier what the per pack price is.  Her answer?  $3 to $5 per pack depending on the brand.  The per carton prices were around $35 each.  We walked out astonished.  And commented on the fact that smoking is a habit that is found primarily among the working class; those who can least afford it.  They are those who can least afford the habit or the health consequences.  It just wrung our hearts.

… in which I attempt to function on 13 hours of sleep spread over 3 nights.
Breakfast – LightGirl had a sleepover Saturday night.  I don’t know what LightHusband and LightBoy had.  I was too heartsick to eat.

Lunch – frozen stuff that had been reheated

Dinner – McDonalds … see above and LightHusband was well-drugged because of some back problems.  Between the lack of sleep (me) and the drugs (him) we can’t think straight today.

BlazingEwe came over and hung out with me.  We took a therapeutic shopping trip to my/our favorite quilting store.  We’re taking a class in February and I “needed” fabric.  Well, I actually did need fabric … I just needed more today.  I breathed in deeply of the fabric endorphins and found some solace there.

… in which I feel faint of heart.

Breakfast – cereal again. We’re running quite low. LightGirl confided in me that she does not particularly care for instant oatmeal (that we have 2 or 3 boxes of). She really prefers my homemade version. Too …. Bad.

Lunch – more frozen garbage from hell Schwans. I had a Design Team meeting in the evening which means my dinner is taken care of and the rest of the family can have leftover Beef Soup before hockey practice. LightGirl ate the. last. containerofapplesauce which I was lusting after to put on a piece of gingerbread. I’m still bitter about this. I will not reveal how petty I am to my daughter. But she will pay for her gluttony. Or something. She will have to eat instant oatmeal.

Dinner – Design Team meeting at which was served a SALAD from which emanated beams of light and a chorus of angels and cheese fondue (also very very good) into which we dunked bread AND apples. I was especially fond of the apples. LightHusband and Children had leftover Beef Soup and loved it again. It is good. LightBoy thinks I got the recipe from “colonial days.” I told him I made it up. I soared in his eyes. In about a year I’m going to bump my arse with him … but it’s nice right now.

I would quit now. Except I’m pretty sure we haven’t learned what we need to learn yet. We’re not done. I don’t know how I’ll know. But I will know when we’re done. Or. We will run out of food. Or. We will get scurvy or something horrible.

That’s all I have for today.

… in which we provide photographic evidence of the horror.

LightHusband got a bee in his bonnet this morning and emptied our freezers (3 … one small chest freezer and two frig-freezers) on to our washer and dryer.  The inventory system was not working.  The LightChildren are now compliant with the challenge. They will not, however, provide an inventory for said challenge. Ungrateful wretches. Once all of the frozen food was on the washer/dryer, he photographed it (while I hid my head in the sand). He then reorganized it all in the 3 freezers. Here are the photos of our frozen food, the pantry and our refrigerator.

Note: not all boxes and bags are full. For instance, there’s a huge bag of frozen chicken breasts in there that only had two breasts in it. I do realize, however, that this does nothing but incriminate me.

Believe it or not, our frig is beginning to look a little empty.  Okay, not empty … but at least we are using stuff instead of just piling leftovers in that never get eaten.  Now they get eaten.

The top shelf is almost all condiments (because LightHusband is having a love affair with condiments and hey, at least I know where he is at night). The big red tub is dog food.  Yes, there are 3 jars of maraschino cherries.  A failed holiday cooking attempt. Stop laughing … you know you have those too.

Next week I’m starting a 12 step program for hoarders.  Do I have any fellow members?

…. in which we have been reduced to simple whining and begging. But compliance is on the horizon.

Breakfast … cereal all around.

Lunch … the LightChildren practiced their own version of Marie Antoinette this afternoon. They found their father’s carefully hoarded frozen tamales. Cooked them according the to microwave directions. Decided they were gross beyond measure and threw them away. Then they made a frozen stromboli. LightBoy reserved half of his for “later.” LightHusband had yet another lunch meeting (I’m becoming suspicious). I had a cheese sandwich.

Dinner … frozen pizza.

LightHusband came home and found the remains of the tamales (the empty box). He was most unhappy (remember the dearest treasure incident?). We are becoming very territorial over certain food items. Don’t anyone else eat my “Life” cereal!! So if any of you visit and find us hunched over piles of food in corners, please just gently lead us out and remind us that it’s just a $20 Amazon.com certificate.

This is giving LightHusband and I flashbacks to our earlier days. Especially back to when LightGirl was very small and we had just knocked my salary out of the equation. We had $300 a month to cover everything except the mortgage, car payments and utilities. So … clothes, food, everything came out of that. $10 a day … and still … in comparison to most of the world we were rich. I remember that I found a website at the time that compared incomes around the world and we were in the 98th percentile on his Staff Sergeant’s salary. By the end of each month, we usually found many creative ways to eat potatoes and eggs. I began freezer cooking in those days in an attempt to stretch things out through the month. It’s amazing how much further a $3 chicken will go when you make soup out of it. You can get at least 6 meals from it.

I’m finding, too, that we’re eating less. Go figure. This could be the next diet rage. We could all write a book and make millions ;-). How to eat less and lose weight. AND become spiritual all at the same time.

LightMom (who is great for keeping me on an even keel) writes:

“If you lived 10 miles (or more) from a store you would face regular challenges!”

I wonder if this plethora of plenty is unique to those of us in a suburban environment? I don’t remember having all this “stuff” when I was growing up in the country. Which I then feel guilty about. Is this the root of my hoarding? My poverty in youth. We were never, ever hungry. But the times when we had to stretch make me worry. I have to admit to feeling a certain sense of ease with having a lot in the house. It eases my mind. I know that we are provided for. But when is that enough? And how is that any kind of reliance on Jehovah Jireh? That seems to be more of a reliance on me, myself and I … hmmmmm … I think I’ll just go hoard some “Life” from my children.